My first, my last my everything…..

I came into motherhood late after 2 years of trying, 1 mis-carraige and 1 successful round of IVF. To say our son was a miracle is an understatement. 

The early years were actually quite easy (from a work perspective), I went back to my old position with part time hours (that changed as the years progressed) and the ability to finish at a reasonable time to be ‘back in time for bed’. I did the odd ship visit and christmas conference but never felt guilty leaving him, he was safe with dad.

Fast forward a few years, work got busier, stress levels rose, trying to complete my job to my standards became harder. I started to feel my life work balance tipping in the wrong direction. But I loved my company and I loved my job so I carried on working part time hours, completing a full time job on part time wages. Totally my choice. Some might say ‘why just not go full time?’ Yep, that was an option and was always on the table but it scared me committing to that, what if I couldn’t do it, what if it was too much. I worried it would miss sports day, mothers day tea and the carols in the playground at Christmas. Too much for me to miss. I dont have a backup, he is my first and last.

After time the cracks started to show. I was moody, angry and stressed. Every time my laptop was open my son would say ‘Mum, are you working – I thought it was your day off’. My evening spent on the laptop, usually in secret in case my husband caught me working when I shouldn’t be. My son left on his ipad, xbox while I finished one more job.

The final straw came when I came downstairs hours after I should have finished and I called ‘Charlie, what do you want for dinner’. His reply ‘its ok mum, I cooked my own dinner’. Im not sure how he knew what to do but he managed to cook himself spaghetti carbonara. I was furious, not at him, at me. How did I let that happen, I wasn’t there when I should have been. I dont think its much of an expectation to have a home cooked meal. That was the beginning of the end. I dont have a backup, he is my first and last.

Fast forward to the present day. My son is now 13 and I work full time from home. My hours are flexible enough that I can take my lunch break when my son comes home from school so he always has a home cooked meal. If he is on his phone/ipad/xbox, thats cool too but not as a substitute parent.  Support for working parents has never been more important. 

I don’t have a back up, I dont get the opportunity to do this all over again, he truly is my first, my last….my everything…